Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
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Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.