Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
You Might Also Like
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …