i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars