i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I came this close!!!!
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen