Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me trying to walk in a dream
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
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I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks