Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*