mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
You Might Also Like
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.