(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case