Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”