me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.