Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
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I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
The options really are this bad
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive