Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
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5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
This made me chuckle.
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
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Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.