Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost