Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no