I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
You Might Also Like
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
😅🤣😂
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.