Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
You Might Also Like
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.