Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
where do you see yourself in five years?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
This why you should mind your business
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.