I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
mom gave me mine for free
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I falcon love using swear birds
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Beware of fowl play.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all