excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
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Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Lmaoo 😂
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.