Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
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You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
He took my last fry, your honor
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!