Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.