Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
You Might Also Like
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure