[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
#Caturday
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.