ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
You Might Also Like
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry