Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
So, can we agree on 4 or
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area