What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]