#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.