Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea