The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
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2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.