At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
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Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.