The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room