Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
What if the weather talks about us?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.