“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
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Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter