“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak