My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
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My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds