I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
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I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
This guy gets it.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Bobby pin
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.