[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°