[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
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A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Wait a minute
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]