“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
You Might Also Like
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words