A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.