[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
True
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged