Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
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Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.