Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
![]()
You Might Also Like
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
![]()
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
The three genders.
![]()
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?