#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
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Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
A bold strategy
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
The struggle is real
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?