Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”