Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
The Assassin.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.