My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks