I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
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Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I know this now 😂
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Cause of death: Zumba
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married