This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice