Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Has science gone too far?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down