hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey