If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?