It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.