It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*jazz hands*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.