[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*